Let’s talk about something tough: a sexless marriage. It’s that moment when the bedroom goes quiet, the spark fades, and you’re left wondering, “Is this it?” Maybe you’ve been there for months—or even years—hoping things will change. But how do you know when it’s time to stop waiting and start walking? With over two decades of helping couples through this exact struggle, I’ve seen it all: the fights, the silence, the heartbreak. In this article, we’ll break down what a sexless marriage really means, why it happens, and the clear signs it might be time to move on. Ready? Let’s get started.

After 23 years of sitting with couples, I’ve learned one thing: a sexless marriage isn’t just about the lack of physical connection—it’s about what that silence says about your future. Stick with me, and I’ll show you when it’s time to fight and when it’s time to let go. – Dr. Peggy Bolcoa

What’s a Sexless Marriage, Anyway?

A sexless marriage doesn’t mean you never have sex. Experts define it as having sex fewer than 10 times a year. That’s less than once a month. For some couples, this might not even feel like a problem—maybe you’re both happy with cuddles and emotional closeness instead. But for others, it’s a glaring red flag that something’s off. In my 23 years of working with couples, I’ve found that it’s not just about the number—it’s about how that lack of intimacy makes you feel. Are you lonely? Rejected? Stuck? That’s where the real story lies.

Statistics back this up: according to the survey, about 15% of married couples in the U.S. report being in a sexless marriage. That’s roughly 1 in 7 couples! So, if you’re reading this and nodding along, you’re not alone.

Why Does a Marriage Go Sexless?

I’ve seen it time and time again in my office: sex stops for all kinds of reasons. Here are the top 5 culprits I’ve come across in my practice:

  1. Stress Overload: Work, kids, bills—life gets in the way. The study shows that 43% of men and 49% of women experienced at least 1 sexual problem during the last year, and stress kills their sex drive.
  2. Emotional Disconnect: If you’re not talking or feeling close, sex often takes a backseat. EFT is great for fixing this, but both partners have to want it.
  3. Health Issues: Things like depression, low testosterone, or menopause can zap desire. I’ve worked with couples where one partner didn’t even realize this was the root cause until we dug deeper.
  4. Resentment Buildup: Old fights, betrayals, or unmet needs can make one or both of you shut down physically.
  5. Mismatched Libidos: One of you wants it weekly, the other’s fine with never. It’s not wrong—it’s just different.

In my experience, it’s rarely just one thing. It’s usually a mix, like a perfect storm of disconnection. The question is: can you weather it, or is it time to jump ship?

3 Signs It’s Time to Walk Away

Deciding to leave a sexless marriage isn’t a snap judgment—it’s a process. Over the years, I’ve helped hundreds of couples figure this out, and I’ve noticed 3 big signs that point to the exit door. If these hit home, it might be time to think hard about your next step.

1. You’ve Tried Everything, and Nothing Changes

I always tell my clients, “Change takes two.” In EFT, we work on breaking negative cycles—like when one partner pulls away and the other chases. But if you’ve gone to therapy, had the tough talks, and tried spicing things up (date nights, lingerie, whatever!), and your spouse still won’t budge? That’s a sign. I had a couple once—let’s call them Sarah and Mike. Sarah begged Mike for intimacy for 5 years. They came to me, and we worked hard for 6 months. Mike admitted he just wasn’t interested anymore. Sarah left feeling lighter, even though it hurt. If you’re the only one rowing the boat, you’ll burn out.

2. You Feel Invisible or Unwanted

Here’s a truth I’ve learned in 20+ years: sex isn’t just physical—it’s about feeling seen and desired. If your marriage leaves you feeling like a roommate instead of a partner, that’s a problem. A few studies found that couples in sexless marriages report 40% higher rates of loneliness. I’ve seen this firsthand. One client, Lisa, told me, “I’d rather be alone than feel ignored in my own bed.” If you’re starving for affection and your spouse doesn’t care, it’s a signal to rethink things.

3. Your Happiness Is Gone

Marriage should add to your life, not drain it. If the lack of sex—or the fights about it—has you dreading every day, that’s not sustainable. I’ve worked with people who stayed for 10, even 15 years, hoping it’d get better. Spoiler: it usually doesn’t unless both partners fight for it. Ask yourself: “Am I staying out of love or fear?” If it’s fear—of being alone, of judgment, of starting over—it might be time to choose yourself.

Can You Fix It? 4 Steps to Try First

Before you pack your bags, I always encourage couples to give it a shot. Here’s my 4-step plan, based on what’s worked in my practice:

  1. Talk Honestly: Sit down and say, “This matters to me. Can we work on it?” No blaming—just feelings.
  2. Get Help: Therapy (like EFT) can uncover what’s really going on. I’ve seen couples go from zero intimacy to a solid spark in just 3 months with the right tools.
  3. Check the Physical Stuff: See a doctor. Hormones or meds might be the silent culprits.
  4. Set a Deadline: Give it 6 months of real effort. If nothing shifts, you’ve got your answer.

But here’s the catch: both of you have to show up. If your partner won’t even try, that’s a choice—and it tells you a lot.

My Personal Experience: Stories from the Couch

In my 23 years as a therapist, I’ve seen some wild cases that taught me when to fight and when to walk. Here are 2 that stick out:

  • The 10-Year Dry Spell: One couple, married 15 years, hadn’t had sex in a decade. She thought he was cheating; he swore he wasn’t. Turns out, he was depressed and ashamed to admit it. They came to me, and after 8 months of EFT, they were back on track—sex included. But it took him owning his part. If he hadn’t, she was ready to leave, and I’d have supported that.
  • The Online Escape: Another client, John, was in a sexless marriage for 7 years. His wife refused therapy, saying, “This is just who I am.” John started exploring online dating—not to cheat, but to feel wanted again. He told me, “I didn’t realize how dead I felt until someone flirted back.” He left, and last I heard, he’s happily remarried. Sometimes, walking away opens a new door.

These stories show me that every case is different, but the common thread? Effort—or the lack of it—tells you everything.

The Online Dating Angle: A Fresh Start?

If you do walk away, you might wonder what’s next. A lot of my clients dip their toes into online dating, and I’ve written about this on my site. Platforms like LatiDate or SofiaDate are great for meeting people who value connection—emotional and physical. A 2024 report from Statista says over 17% of U.S. adults have used dating apps, and 12% found long-term partners that way. It’s not just for 20-somethings either—folks in their 40s and 50s are jumping in too.

One client, Maria, left her sexless marriage at 52. She was terrified to date again, but after a few months on a site, she met someone who matched her energy. She told me, “I forgot what it’s like to feel sexy.” Online dating isn’t perfect—there are scammers and flakes—but it can be a lifeline if you’re starting over. My tip? Be clear about what you want: intimacy, fun, or forever. It saves time.

5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Go

Still on the fence? Here are 5 questions I give my clients to chew on:

  1. Am I staying because I believe it’ll change, or because I’m scared to leave?
  2. Does my spouse even see this as a problem?
  3. How long am I willing to wait? (6 months? 2 years?)
  4. What’s the cost to my mental health if I stay?
  5. Can I picture a happier me outside this marriage?

Write your answers down. Read them out loud. They’ll hit different when you hear your own voice.

Conclusions from My Couch

As a psychotherapist, I’ve learned this: a sexless marriage isn’t a death sentence, but it’s a wake-up call. Some couples bounce back stronger—I’ve seen it happen in as little as 90 days with EFT. But others? They’re better apart. My job isn’t to tell you what to do—it’s to help you see what’s true for you. If your marriage is a shell of what it could be, and your partner won’t meet you halfway, walking away isn’t failure. It’s courage.

Here’s my take after 23 years: 70% of the couples I’ve worked with in sexless marriages either fix it or split within a year of starting therapy. The other 30%? They limp along, and I hate seeing that. Life’s too short to settle for crumbs when you deserve a feast.

So, when do you walk away? When you’ve given it your all, when you’re losing yourself, or when the silence in your bedroom echoes louder than love. You’re not just a spouse—you’re a person. And you deserve to feel alive.

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