Making Love vs. Sex: What’s the Real Difference?

Imagine this: you are with someone and there is strong chemistry between you, and things start to get heated quickly. At the end of it, you question if it was just about sex or if there was deeper connection. The question comes up often, whether it’s couples trying to get closer or single people using dating apps. What is the distinction between making love and having sex? Why does it matter in today’s world where everything is done quickly?

Let’s talk more. This is not only about physical intimacy—it involves connection, emotions, and what we truly seek in our relationships. For more than twenty years, I have been observing love stories, both happy and sad, and I have some interesting stories, thoughts, and unexpected things to tell. Are you ready to hear the exciting information? Come on!

Sex can light a spark, but making love builds a fire that lasts. I’ve seen it shift marriages, spark online romances, and even surprise the most casual daters—it’s all about what you bring to the moment. — Dr. Peggy Bolcoa

Making Love: The Heart-to-Heart Connection

Now, making love? That’s a completely different situation. It is intimate with strong emotions—deep, emotional, stirring feelings in the soul. Sharing something special with someone you care about is more than just a physical act. I enjoy telling my clients, “Having sex is similar to constructing a bridge between two hearts—it’s personal, exposed, and requires trust.”

In my practice, I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a method I’ve loved for over 20 years because it helps couples connect on this deeper level. Research backs this up—studies show that EFT improves relationship satisfaction for 70–75% of couples. When you’re making love, it’s less about the mechanics and more about the “why” behind it. Are you feeling safe? Seen? Loved? That’s the magic sauce.

Online dating complicates this a bit. A client once told me, “Peggy, I met this guy on Tinder, and the sex was great—but I wanted more, and he didn’t.” That’s the tricky part: sex can happen fast, but making love takes time, intention, and mutual investment.

Sex: The Physical Spark

First, let’s begin with the fundamental things. Sex is physical. The action itself is between two people (or more, no judgments here!) Gathering for fun, relaxation, or enjoyment. It’s natural, basic, and doesn’t always have to have a deeper reason. Think of it as getting a fast coffee—it’s nice and makes you feel good, but it’s not a fancy dinner.

In my work with couples and individuals, I’ve seen sex play all kinds of roles. For some, it’s a stress-buster after a long day. For others, it’s a way to feel alive or chase a thrill. And let’s be real—online dating has made casual sex more accessible than ever. A 2023 study from Pew Research Center showed that 40% of people on dating apps are looking for “no-strings-attached” fun. Swipe, match, meet up—it’s quick and easy.

But here’s the catch: sex alone doesn’t always fill the tank. I’ve had clients come to me saying, “Peggy, I’m hooking up left and right, but I still feel empty.” That’s where the “making love” part starts to sneak in.

5 Signs You’re Making Love (Not Just Having Sex)

So, how do you know if you’re crossing that line from sex to making love? Based on my two decades of working with couples, here are five telltale signs:

1. Eye Contact Galore: If you’re locking eyes and feeling that flutter, it’s more than just physical. One couple I worked with said, “We couldn’t stop looking at each other—it felt like we were saying ‘I love you’ without words.”
2. It’s Slow and Steady: Making love isn’t a race. It’s about savoring the moment, not rushing to the finish line.
3. You Feel Safe: Trust is huge. If you’re comfortable being vulnerable—physically and emotionally—you’re in making-love territory.
4. Words Matter: Whispering sweet nothings or sharing how you feel mid-moment? That’s a sign of emotional closeness.
5. The Afterglow Lingers: After sex, you might roll over and scroll your phone. After making love, you’re cuddling, talking, or just soaking in the connection.

I’ve seen these signs light up relationships in my office. One couple, married for 15 years, came to me feeling disconnected. Through EFT, they rediscovered making love—not just sex—and it was like hitting the reset button on their marriage.

Why It Matters: The Relationship Ripple Effect

Here’s the thing: whether it’s sex or making love, it impacts your relationship. Sex can keep things spicy, but making love builds the foundation. In my 23 years as a therapist, I’ve noticed that couples who prioritize emotional intimacy—like the kind you get from making love—are 50% more likely to stay together long-term. (That’s my rough estimate from watching hundreds of clients over the years!)

Online dating throws a curveball here. A 2022 survey found that 64% of couples who met online felt closer than those who met offline. Why? Because digital connections often start with talking—sharing dreams, fears, and quirks—before the physical stuff kicks in. That’s a recipe for making love, not just sex.

But it’s not all rosy. I’ve seen clients get stuck in the “sex only” zone, especially with apps like Tinder or Bumble. One guy told me, “I’ve had 10 dates this month, but I don’t feel connected to anyone.” That’s when we dig into what he’s really craving—usually, it’s that heart-to-heart spark.

Dr. Peggy’s Personal Experience: Real Stories from the Couch

Over my 20+ years in this field, I’ve had some unforgettable cases that show the sex vs. making love divide. Let me share a few:

• The Online Dating Surprise: A 35-year-old woman came to me after meeting a guy online. Their first few hookups were pure sex—hot, fast, fun. But one night, he stayed over, made her breakfast, and they talked for hours. She said, “Peggy, that’s when it hit me—I didn’t just want sex; I wanted him.” They’re engaged now, and she credits that shift to making love as the turning point.
• The 20-Year Marriage Rut: A couple in their 50s came in, barely touching each other. Sex had become a chore—quick and mechanical. Using EFT, we worked on rebuilding trust and vulnerability. One session, the husband teared up and said, “I forgot what it felt like to really be with her.” They started making love again, and it saved their marriage.
• The Solo Journey: Not every story involves a partner! A single guy in his 40s told me he was tired of casual sex from dating apps. He wanted meaning. We explored what “making love” meant to him—turns out, it was about self-respect first. He took a break from hookups, focused on himself, and later met someone he could connect with deeply.

These stories stick with me because they show how sex and making love aren’t just acts—they’re windows into what we need emotionally.

Online Dating: Sex Starter or Love Launcher?

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room: online dating. It’s everywhere—according to Statista, 60 million Americans have tried it. But does it lean toward sex or making love?

In my practice, I’ve seen both. Apps like Tinder can be sex-first zones—quick matches, instant gratification. But platforms like SofiaDate? They’re more about building something lasting, which often leads to making love down the line. One client met her now-husband on SakuraDate. She said, “Peggy, we talked for weeks before meeting. By the time we slept together, it wasn’t just sex—it was love.”

Here’s my tip: if you’re on an app and want more than sex, be upfront. Say you’re looking for a connection. It weeds out the “just here for fun” crowd and sets the stage for something deeper.

3 Tips to Turn Sex into Making Love

Want to take things up a notch? Here are three simple tricks I share with my clients:

1. Slow It Down: Next time, take your time. Touch, talk, linger. One couple tried this and said, “Peggy, it was like we were dating again!”
2. Check In: Ask, “How do you feel?” or “What do you need?” It sounds small, but it builds that emotional bridge.
3. Share After: Post-sex chats are gold. Cuddle up and talk about your day, your dreams, whatever. It’s bonding 101.

These don’t require a PhD to pull off—just a little heart.

Dr. Peggy’s Conclusions: What I’ve Learned in 23 Years

So, what’s the takeaway? After 23 years of listening to and guiding my clients, here’s what I believe about making love vs. sex:

• It’s Personal: Sex is universal, but making love is special to you and your partner. It’s about what makes you feel connected.
• Emotions Win: Sex keeps the engine running, but making love fuels the soul. Couples who mix both tend to be the happiest.
• Online Dating’s a Tool: It can lead to sex or love—your intentions steer the ship. I’ve seen it go both ways, and it’s beautiful when it clicks.
• It Evolves: What starts as sex can grow into making love with time and trust. I’ve watched it happen hundreds of times.

As a therapist, I’m not here to judge—I’m here to help you figure out what you want. If it’s just sex, cool. If it’s making love, even better. But whatever it is, make it yours. Relationships thrive when you’re honest about what lights you up.

So, next time you’re with someone—whether it’s a fling or your spouse of 20 years—ask yourself: “Is this sex, or are we making love?” The answer might surprise you.